Learning To Be Enough…
Much of the last thirty-three years for me has been walking through the uncomfortable from social norms to business to restaurants to being at ease in my own body. Shaking, tremors, and whatever label or diagnosis someone has given the imbalance within my body often can put the person on edge as it is a visible representation of something different than the perceived norm. Most often with themselves facing and being aware of what they are experiencing. It can be in ways that many do not even recognize, shaking fingers on a keyboard that have hit the wrong key when I worked in higher education and thoughts of what if people found out - would I be accepted as I was. When you are at different phases of your life, your confidence in yourself or your abilities and your belief around these can wane.
For me things shifted to having to ask for what I needed in every experience, and I would feel the apprehension, challenge, and anxiousness in stepping up for myself or calling attention to myself in this manner. It began with asking for a certain type of glass at wine bars when that was in or at a restaurant to feeling accepted by peers in those experiences and being okay with the looks one feels from other patrons or staff that don’t understand the reason for the inquiry. Asking for merlot to be served in a taster glass versus the tall, beautifully shaped glass it is associated with is going against a socially accepted practice. And drinking said wine with a straw raises it a notch.
Each year has added lessons in this, and there have been times that I felt the need to not eat or drink at a gathering as I wasn’t accepting of where I was, nor did I believe or even know of the concept of being enough as I was. Through the years, I found different things heightened the unwanted effect. I would say how I felt within is the biggest obstacle as I became hyper aware of glances, attention, or energy my way - and it is most likely part of the solution.
These things have happened at home, with family, friends and while out at restaurants or on trips. I have learned straws are a friend whether in a glass of wine, beer, water, coffee, or anything else. This past Christmas holiday took everything to a whole new level when I had a heightened response to a dental procedure with the shaking going to the extent, I had to rely on others to hold a cup or bowl steady and the straw to take in any nutrition. And I found it very challenging to accept that help as I felt I was raised to take care of myself.
You might wonder whether there were medicines or procedures available, and the answer is yes. I was on the two medications that were available in 2010: one a seizure medicine (and no I don’t have seizures) and the other the lowest dose of a blood pressure medication given to help calm the tremors despite having a normal blood pressure. The latter resulted in lightheadedness, dizziness, issues with my gums and teeth, and lower pulse in the mid 40s in the morning. It also influenced heart rate categories on gym equipment which I found I couldn’t ever get into a cardio zone. At the time, this was frustrating to me as I was working to release weight.
I was being asked to continuously raise the seizure medicine and was having side effects at lower doses, so it became a choice of are the benefits worth all the side effects on the rest of my body. My father was diagnosed with the same thing. What worked for him, did not for me both in medications and other things. After I took the medicine for several years, I spoke to my doctor and stopped. A key step has been doing self-studies with foods, beverages, and going through the phases of accepting where I am. The latter I would say is the biggest hurdle and one I am constantly working on to overcome and learning to be accepting of who I am in the moment.
The animal beings that I have been around are doing their best to teach me to surrender to receiving assistance…that the increased imbalance response isn’t hurting or bothering them as they chose to sit on my lap or be petted. Likewise, there have been some changes for the better in the last year or two such as relearning to type with my hands on the keyboard versus single finger typing or wearing some makeup or earrings, and the like when I had all but stopped for years and although many of these actions often take longer or require me to be more patient with myself, I see forward movement. With tasks in caring for your animal friends, I can say I have seen progress from the first time refilling a large bowl of water with shaking to see it be steady in more recent years. Often, it is learning to do things differently.
The teachings over the holidays pushed me to take straws with me on a recent trip and face when I needed them whether in some fancy restaurant or relaxed environment. This began last year with the wait staff recognizing that I wasn’t drinking certain beverages or was having challenges with certain silverware and cutting food. Often there has been a challenge in receiving help offered as it can feel like it draws more attention to that which is awkward or that feels uneasy. And once again it is a balancing act of decisions – do I accept the assistance being offered or limit myself, which until recently I didn’t see it as. Last year, I became aware on a surface level that being willing to receive help took pressure off and a calmness appeared. It didn’t eliminate the shaking, just eased them a bit whether that was the waiter who cut my steak for me or the one who poured my wine into a regular taller glass at the table adding a straw.
My mom was a nurse by profession so we have talked about the fact that she recognizes when someone needs help, whether they have said anything or not, and what she can do to assist. Now yes, some of this came from assisting my dad with similar things. However, this ability to see those needs isn’t second nature to everyone whether family or otherwise.
On this trip, I began asking my mom to help with some of the things as well as the restaurants when ordering certain food to cut things up before bringing it out – and they did without question. Or asking the staff to serve me at a self-serve buffet, which they were always willing to do despite it being self-serve. Asking for what I need and learning to be enough for myself is the ultimate lesson and action I am working through at this stage. Part of it is becoming aware of myself shifting into that space of placing concern, tension, or worry in whatever the situation is which is a mindset piece I am working with on my hikes, breathwork, and presence activities.
In writing this blog, I discovered that I need to change the story or meaning of the past and even current situations to shift the energy of these experiences. There can be an effect made by everything if we allow it to be that way. It is important to change the power I am giving to all these elements so that I am not limiting myself yet am opening the door wider to be enough where I am just as I do with the animal beings in my care so that I learn to fully thrive in every moment and access the possibilities.
Today I realized I am learning from the pros on asking
for what I need…our animal friends. Not only do they ask for it, at times they demand it unapologetically!
I can say I am ready to surrender and receive assistance. Be confident in knowing I am enough as I am which may include saying no or when possible, modifying the way I do things that at this point I know I cannot do whether in my business or life.
