The Elders and New Middle Child
Let’s talk about the newly appointed middle child (human, dog, cat or otherwise), who awoke one day thinking they were the baby only to discover they have lost that title and it is not only in title…they feel it in connection and even emotionally as the new baby receives the attention first.
The newly appointed middle child now doesn’t understand the demotion and begins taking it out on the new baby. Why? The toys that were once hers or his alone are now being played with by the new kid. Your favorite spot is now where they want to be. The cuddles are first being given to the baby. Everything changes in an instant. And the most challenging is human attention.
In the animal world there is a pack order which is often strength and/or Elder first and down the line. If you ever observe a group of animals, it is the leader/alpha that is greeted first and so on. We as people often disrupt that unknowingly by going to the weakest, the one ailing, or youngest first.
As I have been around those who have recently experienced a shift of this type I have been given the opportunity to observe or witness, the emotions, the power struggle, and the acting out for attention which can show up as destruction, taking things they are not permitted to have, or eating the new baby’s food to show this displeasure.
One of the best things we can do as people is to connect with the older kids first in alpha order providing some love and connection to those older and the newly displaced kid then the new baby.
This is something that occurs both in the domestic animal and human worlds. Just in the last six years, I learned about an adult human relative that still felt the displacement of becoming the non-baby when a younger sibling was born into the family a year later…a one-year-old who was no longer the baby, who felt no longer protected and felt like all the human attention went to the new infant by older siblings and his parents. Now we were talking about a 67-year-old who still brought up the subject, meaning that this was and is still potentially an unresolved emotional experience held onto for decades.
One of the opportunities I was given during a recent vacation sitting was to do some one-on-one attention in a variety of ways with the older and middle kids which lessened the acting out against the youngest:
Simply adding a walk with an older canine friend began to shift the energy and the core dynamic in the home.
Then offering focused face to face presence and connection with the new middle feline kid.
I will say it takes practice to keep one’s thoughts and physical eyes on the one while being aware of the youngster crawling all over while jumping in and out of your lap! However, it diffuses the situation and the energy between the youngest and the middle kid.
Know that most older animal kids need a break from all the high levels of energy that being around a newly added youngster can bring. So, if you see them hightail it to another room or go to much higher ground away from where the new kid and/or you are often that is what is being sought.
When I am there that is often what I experience and they see me as an opportunity to receive a much-needed nap knowing when I leave, they are on duty. It is like the caregiver or parent who needs naptime as much for themselves as for the kids.
